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Selena Gomez is Okay! And Constantly Touching Her Stomach. Oh, Good.

June 14th, 2011 // 50 Comments

“He just had to have those eyes and the power to levitate…”
Following a weekend of several trips to the hospital after collapsing from nausea, an apparently recovered Selena Gomez performed at the Santa Monica Mall yesterday and chalked up her illness to “low iron” which should have just made any women whose had a uterus full of baby go, “Aw, sheeit.” On that note, I know it seems like I’m obsessed with saying Selena Gomez is pregnant, so let me just lay my cards on the table:
1. My Formspring account is fucking flooded with questions obsessing over Justin Bieber because, no exaggeration, your daughters are ready to die and/or kill for Socialized Maple Christ. But forcing him into a shotgun marriage will either put a cork in that insanity, or finally push it over the edge and they’ll suicide bomb Hollywood. Basically a win/win.
2. Every time Christian teenagers whose parents didn’t teach them about safe sex wind up pregnant, a Teen Mom gets her implants.
But just in case it’s still not alarmingly clear that a Bieber fetus has become my White Whale, if Selena Gomez walked into my house naked and said I can do whatever I want to her nubile 18-year-old body, the first words out of my mouth would be, “3D ultrasounds.” We’re through the looking glass, people.